


No tears left to cry

by My_Evak_Heart



Series: ELIOTT + LUCAS [28]
Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-05 15:51:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17921813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Evak_Heart/pseuds/My_Evak_Heart
Summary: All good things comes to an end...and then, you realize your mistake





	1. Chapter 1

Tomorrow will mark two months of Eliott and him making things official and Lucas was pretty excited. He had never hit that milestone with any of his previous relationships, all ending before the two  _weeks_  mark.

Knowing Eliott didn’t like to receive gifts, Lucas went with something meaningful instead of costly. But, even then, it wasn’t easy. Jewelry were cheesy - and expensive - and plushies were childish - they weren’t in kindergarten. That being said, for their first month anniversary, Eliott had gotten him a stuffed raccoon - and a matching hedgehog for himself. He said it was for them to cuddle when they weren’t together. It was also the night Eliott told him ‘Je t'aime’ for the first time.

This month though, Lucas was at loss. He browsed online for hours and even asked Manon for ideas and she told him that, as long as it came from the heart, Eliott would love it.   
She didn’t know Eliott a bit lot but, she knew he wasn’t materialist. So, Lucas listened to her and got something meaningful. He’d even manage to get everyone out the house for the evening. He didn’t want  _anything_  to go wrong.

Lucas was laying in his bed, watching a movie by himself when his phone buzzed.

> [18:01]  **Eliott:** Can I come over?
> 
> [18:01]  **Lucas:**  Always ❤
> 
> [18:02]  **Eliott:**  I’ll be there in 15

Lucas put his phone down and continued his movie, not bothering fixing himself, knowing Eliott will love him the same whether he was in his best Sunday attire or wrinkled shirt and messy hair. It was the beauty of their relationship.

Fifteen minutes later, there was a knock at his bedroom door and Lucas told Eliott to come in, his bright smile falling when he noticed the sad expression on his boyfriend’s face.

Lucas paused his movie, closing his laptop and pushing it aside. “Bad day?” he asked, sitting up, crawling closer to Eliott. The latter didn’t reply which caused Lucas to worry.

Eliott chewed on his nails nervously and managed to move away when Lucas crawled closer to him. He looked down at his lap. It was clear that something was on his mind but he couldn’t find the words to say it.

Lucas frowned. He knew Eliott had been working his ass off at the café lately, picking up more shifts than needed. Maybe it was too much for him? The end of the school year was approaching too, maybe he was stressed over exams?

Eliott was making Lucas worried sick so he decided to move closer to him, wrapping his arms around his waist and setting his chin on Eliott’s shoulder. “Hey Eli, you know you can tell me anything right? I’m here for you no matter what. I know I can’t feel what you’re feeling but I can at least try.” He kissed Eliott’s shoulder. “It’ll make you feel better once you get it off your chest.”

Eliott took a deep breath, biting his lip nervously.  _Easier said than done_. “I’ve been thinking and…I think this is too much,” he said, his voice trembling. “I thought I could handle it but, I can’t. This is too much. This- I think it’s best we take our separate ways.”

The world stopped and Lucas’s heart skipped a beat. For a second, he thought he was having a bad dream - a fuckin nightmare at that - but, sadly, it was very real.

Lucas’s eyes filled with tears. “Are you fucking serious?”

He couldn’t believe what was happening. After the hell they went through to get together, it couldn’t end after  _two months_.  _Almost_ two months.

Eliott bit his lip and moved away from Lucas, unable to look at him in the eyes, knowing he would break down. “I love you, Lucas. I love you so,  _so_  much and this is why I have to let you go…because it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

Lucas lifted an eyebrow. “You’re breaking up because you love me too much?” He scoffed, getting a little angry.  ’'I gave my heart to you, Eliott. I gave my fucking heart to you and you break it…just like that.“ He sighed, still struggling to find a way to understand everything that was happening. ’'Is it because you’re scared? Because, I am too. This is my first time experiencing this too. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to run away from it all. We can figure it out together, take it one step at a time so that it doesn’t feel like it’s too much-”

“ _No_. We…I  _can’t_. I’m sorry.” Eliott stood from the bed, his vision blurry with tears.   
Panic rose inside the brunet, watching Eliott make his way to the door and twisting the handle. “Eliott please… _please_  let me just fix things. I promise I can try,” he begged, his voice cracking. He felt like he was losing everything all over again; memories of his parents arguing and separate got replaying in his head. He had promised that it would never happen to him, that he would never hurt like his mom did and here he was now. He looks up at Eliott, his hands trembling, “Please don’t leave, we can figure it out- Are you even listening to me? I love you so much.”

Eliott paused, not moving, a tear falling from his blue-gray eyes. He couldn’t bear hearing Lucas sound so hurt. He knew that he was betraying the love of his life. He knew that he had promised him so many things and now he was breaking every single one of those promises. For a second he considered taking back everything that he said but his mind was made up, he couldn’t hurt Lucas more than he already had. His pause even had Lucas fooled, making Lucas think that he would turn around and take back his words but, he didn’t. He walked out.

Immediately, Lucas went after him, almost tripping on the duvet. “Eliott! Eliott, wait!”

Just like his lover, Lucas had tears falling down his cheeks as he followed after Eliott through the flat. He got ahold of his arm but Eliott shook him off, making him lose his balance. “ _Eliott_!” he called one last time, just as the tall boy closed the door, leaving Lucas to himself.

Lucas bursted into sobs, falling to his knees in the middle of the living room.

Manon and Mika, who had been watching the heartbreaking scene from afar, rushed to Lucas, wrapping their arms around him and, for once, he didn’t push his roommates away.


	2. Chapter 2

If Lucas had known breakups would hurt this bad, he would’ve never let himself fall in love.

There, he said it.

He and Eliott had a beautiful love story and no one would’ve ever guessed their relationship would end after two months.

Everyone was confused when Lucas didn’t hold Eliott’s hand on Monday. Their confusion turned to misunderstanding and then shock when Lucas announce they had broken up. They looked at each other with permanent heart eyes, how come had they broke up?

Although Lucas was angry at Eliott for ending things and breaking his heart, he didn’t want to throw him under the bus and say he broke up because of his mental illness. Eliott’s mental struggles weren’t anyone’s business.

The girls pulled him in a big group hug the second he walked into the foyer, telling him they were there if he wanted to talk which warmed Lucas’s heart. He never thought he’d get so close with them, certainly not Daphné. He had avoided walking into the foyer for a couple of days, not wanting to see the painting on the wall. It brought back too many memories and he knew that if he thought of them, he would be a crying mess all over again.

He tried to spend his days with the girls to get his mind off things but it was getting tougher and tougher to deal things. He could barely feel the time passing, he just knew that things were happening around him but he had been numb to exactly what was going on.

It was now a week since Eliott decided that they should part ways and Lucas hadn’t left his teenage cave since. Everyone at the flat took care of him during this tough time. They brought him food and a shoulder to cry on. Manon even stayed in his room one night, keeping him company and holding the broken boy while he slept. He had never been this close to his roommates.If it wasn’t for them, he wouldn’t have had the will to even get out of bed and go to school. But lucky for him, Manon would wake him up with baked goods every morning. She had been his rock through this time as she also knew what it was like to experience this level of heartbreak, she was determined to help Lucas as much as she could.

_“Eliott loves you. He’ll come back,” Manon had promised._

_“And, if he doesn’t, I’ll help you find a fine ass to replace him,” Mika had added with wiggling eyebrows, earning an smack on the arm from Manon for being insensitive._

A hookup was the  _last_  thing Lucas needed.  Some might be into that but Lucas wasn’t. He’d rather mope for days than go seek sexual comfort from a total stranger.

His friends were good at keeping him distracted during the day - it also helped that Eliott wasn’t attending school - but the nights were where he missed Eliott the most. He would wonder how he was doing and how he was feeling. This recurring image of Eliott drawing on tear stained sheets would pop up in his mind. He often wondered if he was overreacting to everything and if Eliott was just as hurt as he was. He had cried to the point where he had no more left to shed.

On Saturday, Mika knocked on Lucas’s door. “Kitten?”

“Leave me alone, Mika,” the teenager grumbled, buried in his duvet and pillows.

The door opened and Mika walked in, uninvited, Manon following behind and taking a seat on teh edge of the bed, making Lucas question if they knew what personal space was.

“We’re all going to the poetry night to encourage Alexia, it’d be great if you joined,” Mika said. “Even Lisa is coming.”

Lucas shrugged gently pulling the covers close to him. “I’m okay here for the night. I’m tired and…I need to study for Monday.”

Mika shared a look with Manon and she took over, trying another tactic.

“Okay. It’s your choice but…Alexia would’ve really liked it if you came,” Manon added.

“I’m tired, Manon. I’ve had a long week.”

She smiled and pulled Lucas into a hug. “What if I make you a deal? If you come out with us tonight, I’ll do your portion of the house chores for the week. I know you hate cleaning the bathroom and it’s your turn this week so…”

Lucas grimaced at the thought of scrubbing the toilet. Yikes. He sighed and nodded. “I’ll come. But, only for an hour. I’m already exhausted.”

Manon and Mika grinned successfully, leaving the Lucas to himself so he could get ready.

Reluctantly, he got out of bed and put on a pair of jeans with one of Eliott’s hoodie. Mika wasn’t blind and noticed the hoodie wasn’t Lucas’s but decided not to call him out on it.

.

“You  _can’t come in. You’ll have to come back tomorrow_.”

“ _Please. I have to see him_.”

“ _He’s sleeping, you can’t-_ ”

Hushed voices pulled Lucas from his sleep, making him groan. Was Mika drunk again? When Lucas left the café at 10pm, he was already on his third drink. Lucas was in his sleep daze so he couldn’t make out exactly what his roommates were saying. He only realized what was going on when his bedroom door was pushed open and a stumbling Eliott walked in.

“Lucas? Lucas, baby-” Eliott leaned forward, his unsteady hand bracing against the doorway.

Lucas’s breath caught in his throat, recognizing the voice. For a second he thought that he was dreaming, this couldn’t be real, could it? “‘E-Eliott?”

Through the darkness of his room, Lucas could only make out Eliott’s shadow in his doorway. It was all a little strange, he had never seen Eliott like this before. It was true that he got quite bad during his episodes but he never would be this way. His Eliott didn’t talk or walk like this, and seeing how he was behaving, Lucas knew something was up. He turned on the light of his nightstand, only to be met with the sight of someone who looked like Eliott, but someone who didn’t feel like him. Seeing him there, stumbling, barely able to stand and reeking of beer was quite a shock.

He stumbled forward on shaky legs that seemed intent on just barely keeping him standing. Lucas grew more concerned and sat up, rubbing his sleepy eyes. “What are you doing here, it’s-” he said still unable to process everything that was happening.

“I made a mistake…I miss you Lucas. I miss you and I love you and-”

Eliott didn’t even finish his sentence before he got closer and messily climbed on Lucas’ bed, forcing himself into his arms. Lucas could clear feel the stench of alcohol growing thicker.

Mika and Manon followed Eliott into Lucas’ bedroom. The two were quite reluctant on letting Eliott back and they were determined on getting Eliott out.

Manon smiled softly at Eliott, “Listen, why don’t we just take you home and you can call Lucas and talk to him tomorrow.”

Mika was half asleep but he nodded in agreement, willing to drive in the middle of the night for Lucas’s sake.

“I need to talk to Lucas, I-”

“You’re drunk. I think it’s best if you-”

Lucas sighed and shook his head. “It’s okay. I’ll…I’ll handle it. You can go back to sleep.”

Manon looked worried and hesitant, not trusting Eliott yet but Lucas’s pleasing eyes made her understand. But, Mika was still not having it. “Lucas, come on-”

“I said:  _I’ll handle it_ ,” he insisted.

Manon took her leave, motioning for Mika to follow, but stayed close, in case anything happened.

The second they left his room, Lucas detached himself from Eliott, leaving a few inches between them. Even if he was content to have Eliott by his side, Lucas was still hurt. “How did you get here? How much did you drink? Are you-”

The second they left his room, Lucas detached himself from Eliott, leaving a few inches between them. Even if he was content to have Eliott by his side, Lucas was still hurt. “How did you get here? How much did you drink? Are you-”

Eliott shrugged gently. “I couldn’t sleep or breathe or do anything, I-” the tall boy said incoherently. He shifted once again towards Lucas but, this time, he laid down putting his head on Lucas’s pillow and curling up into a ball. “N-need you Lucas…”

“Eliott, slow down. I can’t understand what you’re saying,” Lucas said in a stern voice.

“I thought I was making the right decision but I ended up hurting us both instead. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you the way I did and- I’m sorry, Lucas. I love you so much. I’m so sorry, I-” He choked up on his tears.

The younger boy drew an intake of breath, trying to stay strong after hearing Eliott apologizing and pouring his heart out, clearly still enamoured with his ex-boyfriend. A part of him wanted to take him back, forgive him and kiss him all over but, Lucas had to stand his ground. “What you did to me.. I felt like I’d been stabbed a million times, Eliott. After everything I’ve been through with my parents, you made me question everything. I hated myself for falling for you, hated myself for even trusting you. Do you know how much you hurt me? I haven’t left this house or slept in days-”

Lucas stopped himself mid-sentence, realizing that Eliott had fallen asleep on his pillow.  _Shit_. This was  _not_  how it was supposed to go. He had everything mapped out in his head, what he would say and how he would act. He couldn’t just let Eliott fall asleep here in his bed. He knew himself, the moment he had Eliott beside him, he would fall hard and fast for him again. All his hard work over the past week would have gone to waste.

He was determined to wake Eliott up, there was no other way. “Eliott…” he said, shaking the boy’s shoulder lightly. “Wake up. You can’t sleep here, we gotta get you back home. Or…you have to sleep out in the living room.”

He sighed in frustration as he got no response from him. Lucas knew that Eliott could be a heavy sleet. He bit his bottom lip, conflicted. Eliott looked so peaceful and according to what he had told him, he hadn’t slept in days. Lucas decided that he should just let him rest, they could talk about everything in the morning. Regardless of everything that had went down, his heart was still full of love for him.

He leaned down and gently kissed Eliott’s cheek, lips lingering on the stubbly skin for longer than needed before sinking down next to him. He was about to drift into dreamland when a sleepy voice mumbled behind him.

“Can you hold me? Please,” Eliott asked in a soft and sleepy voice.

Lucas knew that he couldn’t resist. He helped Eliott out of his jeans and jacket, pulled the duvet over them and gently wrapped his arms around him. He gently kissed his shoulder, knowing that Eliott loved it when he did that.

Soon enough, the two fell asleep in each other’s arms as they felt like they were at home once again.

They can talk everything out in the morning when Eliott won’t be intoxicated. Right now, they both needed sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

It was almost noon when Lucas woke up and, needless to say, he was dreading this moment. The one where he’d have to open his eyes and face reality. The one where he’d have to pull away from Eliott and stand his ground…and have a real conversation with him.

Seeing him standing in his doorway, drunk and crying and begging Lucas to forgive him and take him back last night tugged at Lucas’s heart. His ex-boyfriend was in pain and Lucas hated seeing Eliott so sad and in a bad state.

Lucas opened his eyes very slowly, trying to make the moment linger. The movement had Eliott holding his breath, almost scared. Lucas blinked, eyes adjusting to the light coming from the cheap curtains, catching Eliott’s teary, irritated ones who were looking anywhere but at him, probably ashamed, remembering last night’s scene he caused.

“Morning,” Lucas said gently, his voice rough from sleep. He wanted to reach out and push Eliott’s hair off his face, kiss his face too to erase the sadness.

“I should go,” Eliott whispered back, almost inaudible. He sat up, almost robotically, and grabbed his jeans and jacket from the floor, putting them on as Lucas watched his every movements, Eliott’s back turned to him. “I’ll go apologize to your roommate and leave. I shouldn’t have come here so late…and drunk.”

Lucas sat up, his navy blanket pooling on his lap, and watched Eliott close, as if wanting to take in the moment. He knew that he would soon leave and the only piece of Eliott left would be his scent all over his pillow. Lucas couldn’t handle the thought of his scent disappearing, he couldn’t let the love of his life go that easily even if it was Eliott who had decided to let go of him.

The alcohol in his veins might have given Eliott the courage to come up to Lucas’s appartement and pour his heart out and apologize but, drunk words were sober thoughts.

Lucas’s heart rate picked up when Eliott stood, a feeling of deja-vu flashing trough Lucas’s mind. He opened his mouth but no words came out. It felt like Lucas’s throat was blocked but, he tried again and forced the next words out. “Don’t leave me again. I…I don’t think I can stand it.”

Eliott stilled and Lucas stood up, gently taking Eliott’s hand, preventing him from leaving the room. “You came here for a reason last night. I know you’re ashamed of what happened but, we have to talk, Eliott. Let’s talk now.”

“I-I can’t. I have to go-”

“Please. Eliott. Just sit with me for a little bit.”

The older boy bit his lip and let himself being guided back to the bed, sitting down in front of Lucas.

Lucas didn’t let go of his hand when they sat down, in fact he laced their fingers together. “Wanna tell me what happened last night? Why did you drank so much? I know it’s unlike you to binge drink.”

Eliott shrugged and kept his eyes down, he had a massive headache from the night before due to a mix of being hungover and crying so much. “I thought it could make it go away…the pain. It just felt better to not feel anything.”

“Don’t you think I was suffering too? However, I didn’t drink myself into oblivion. Alcohol is  _ephemeral_. It’s not going to heal your wounds.”

“You don’t understand… You  _can’t_ understand-” Eliott mumbled.

Lucas’s face hardened. “I was so deeply in love with you, don’t you think that’s a bit selfish to think that I can’t understand your pain? We were  _two_  in this relationship, Eliott. I was going through the exact same thing. Losing you felt like something was  _ripped away_  from me.”

“No, you don’t  _understand_ ,” Eliott insisted, pressing. “What I’m trying to say is: what _I_  feel is so much stronger than what others can feel. What I feel is so much stronger than what others can feel. What you feel, I feel it at 120%. Happiness, frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness… _love_.  _Everything_. I was scared these feelings were triggering a mania because loving you feels like I’m in this constant euphoria and it’s difficult to differentiate between real, strong feelings and mania.”

“You’re blaming our breakup on your mental illness?” Lucas scoffed. “ _Please_. You taught me that mentally ill people weren’t their illnesses. Don’t you try to make this about your illness because-”

Eliott shook his head, tears falling from his eyes. “You see what I mean? You don’t get it, you have to  _feel it_  to know what I’m talking about. It’s inexplicable Lucas… I  _know_  I’m _not_  my illness but it still hurts me every single day and I have no control over that. I thought you of all people would understand…” he said, his voice dying down. “I was wrong…”

“Eliott-”

“Being bipolar fucking sucks, Lucas. All those heightened feelings you have no control over. The mania. The  _fall_ from the mania. The low-low…the  _depression_. All this fucking sucks and I’m stuck feeling like this for the rest of my life.” He paused, trying to control his emotions. His head was pounding and all the hard thinking and constant frustration wasn’t helping. “I just want to love you and not feel like I’m going to go off the rails at any moment.”

Hearing Eliott talk like this about his mental illness, about himself, went straight to Lucas’s heart. They had worked so hard with his therapist to get himself out of thinking negatively about his mental illness. She taught him to alter his negative thoughts and not make his bipolarity his enemy or talk about it like it was a burden. 

Lucas leaned forward and cupped Eliott’s face between his small hands, forcing him to look at him. “Listen to me, you’re  _not_  gonna go off the rails and, even if you do, there is nothing wrong with that. I’m gonna be  _here_  for you no matter what happens. I promised you so many times Eli, I’m  _not_  gonna get scared and run away. I want to be  _there_  for you and hold you when you’re feeling like crap and kiss away your tears when you’re sad but you keep on pushing me away. When I told you I loved you for the first time, I meant I loved _all_ of you, not just the ‘perfect’ side of you. Don’t feel like you have to keep your feelings away from me.”

Eliott blinked, still have difficulty believing that Lucas was still there for him despite everything he put him through. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have someone like him in his life. “O-okay.”

Without saying anything Lucas pulled the older boy in his arms. This took Eliott by surprise; Lucas seemed far too upset with him. The moment he felt Lucas’s arms around him, he felt calm, like he was finally at home. His heart rate sped down and Lucas felt Eliott exhale against his neck, his breath warm on his skin, as if he had been holding his breath for a moment. Eliott buried his face in Lucas’s chest, fingers clenching in the fabric of Lucas’s tee shirt, as if he needed something to hold on to, something to  _anchor_  himself to.

Lucas gently kissed his cheek and rested his head on top of Eliott’s.

Now that the storm was over, a set of fresh tears fell on Lucas’s cheeks, dying on Eliott’s messy hair. They had come so close to their final destination. This breakup tore him apart and Lucas hoped to never go through this ever again. He’s had rough time in his life but nothing had caused him this much pain.

Eliott wasn’t only his boyfriend. He was his confidant, his partner in crime, his anchor, his shoulder to cry on, his main source of happiness. Without Eliott, Lucas felt like he was being thrown into the sea, let to himself into the empty. Sure, he had his friends but no one would measure up to Eliott. No one would understand him like Eliott does, no would bring him the same level of comfort. 

And, it was the same for Eliott. Without Lucas, he didn’t know where he’d be.

They stayed like this for a moment, holding each other, until something caught Eliott’s eye behind Lucas.

“What’s this?” he asked, his gaze falling on the box with red wrapper on top of the desk.

Lucas looked over his shoulder and sighed. “I got you this for our anniversary but…we didn’t have time to celebrate it,” he trailed, a lump forming in his throat at the thought of last Sunday.  What should’ve been a happy day celebrating their second month of love had turned into a living nightmare.

Standing from the bed, Lucas handed the package to Eliott.

“Lucas…I’m so sorry, I-”

He shook his head. “Just take it. I can’t bare to see it in my room anymore.”

Eliott wanted to apologize again but felt like he should stay quiet.

“What is it?” He shook the lightweight package, trying to guess what was inside.

“You’ll see when you’ll open it,” Lucas replied. “It doesn’t matter if we’re together or not, this still means a lot to me. I hope you like it.”  

Carefully, Eliott unwrapped the present, confused by the cylindrical shape of the box. What the hell was in there? He took off the white cap and slide the piece of rolled paper out. A poster. Eliott pulled his eyebrows together. He unrolled the poster where personalized map of the sky the night they shared their first kiss was printed. Under the map, in perfectly curved letters read:  _under this sky, sitting on at a bus stop, the boy who was afraid of the dark found his source of light._


End file.
